E CONCHIS OMNIA

Super Bowl XLVI was one for the ages. Eli Manning and the New York Football Giants once again dismantled one of the greatest coach-quarterback tandems in NFL history of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. But as a television experience, the Madonna halftime show weighed down what should be considered as one of the greatest Super Bowls of all-time.

First of all… Why? Why in name of all that is holy does the Super Bowl insist on throwing pop sensations onto the stage in front of football fans? “Vogue” isn’t exactly a song that comes to mind when I think of a 300-plus pound lineman tearing Tom Brady’s head off. Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics.

Look around everywhere you turn is heartache.

It’s everywhere that you go.

You try everything you can to escape…

The pain of life that you know.

I suppose that might be how the Patriots are feeling right now, but it’s a classic case of “fish out of water,” and it doesn’t belong in the middle of one of the biggest sporting events on Earth. How they’re able to generate the cheers they do during the performance is beyond me, because I simply can’t picture a 45-year old guy getting excited bout Madonna doing a cartwheel in 5-inch heels.

The best thing that happened to the Super Bowl halftime show was the 2004 fiasco when Justin Timberlake “accidentally” revealed a certain part of Janet Jackson’s anatomy. This scared network executives from showcasing anything even remotely “sexy,” setting up a return to the Super Bowl’s rock ‘n roll roots with Paul McCartney in 2005. The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band and The Who followed in years to come. Prince made an interesting appearance as the headliner in 2007, but all was forgiven when execs brought Tom Petty in the following year.

Then all Hell broke loose when loose with The Black Peas and Usher soiling Slash’s awesomeness in 2011 in Arlington, Texas. This was the first time a theme was put in place by the performer. For the aforementioned Peas, their performance was based off the film Tron: Legacy. Last night’s Madonna-palooza’s theme was “polytheism.” Yes, polytheism. The belief in multiple deities within mythology and modern day religions, like Hinduism, Buddhism and Shintoism. An interesting topic in of itself, but what in God’s name (no pun intended) does this have to do with the Giants and Patriots clashing over the Lombardi Trophy?

My prediction is that the Super Bowl will return once again to the safety net of good ole fashioned rock n roll after singer M.I.A. was caught flipping the bird during the last night’s broadcast. Not quite the nipple-gate of 2004, but no doubt it’s enough to force network execs to see what the Foo Fighters are up to next year.

—Oh my god straight men are so hopelessly boring and disgusting.